i fear everything. from speaking to people to washing machines. everything around me causes paranoia and unnecessary stress. all i can think about is how things can or will go wrong. my perception of life has shifted. what is worst is that i am aware of my fears and still paralyzed by them. because no matter how good of a day i may be having, what is stopping my phone charger from sparking up or my balcony collapsing from the weight of me standing on it whilst enjoying the sunset?
it is an unsettling feeling when you can think of 1001 possible ways of things going wrong. it doesn't even make sense to an insane person, imagine what more a sane person. my days are filled with 'what ifs' and gut-wrenching stomach drops (is it anxiety, i wouldn't know).
the whole purpose of this post was to talk about how my fear of posting blogs instead the crippling fear of everything else has gripped my mind. back to what i was saying, i have this massive fear of expressing my feelings and thoughts to the world. it's funny isn't it? i don't even know what i am afraid of.
do i fear rejection? humiliation? or am i afraid of what will people think? but why am i afraid of these things? everyday hundreds of cringe-worthy content is created and society just goes with it. what more about my thoughts?
the sickening fear of the unknown or possible no reaction has caused a block in my journey to express myself through writing. it seems like i am rambling on and on but the noise of my brain is too much to handle.
but what if i looked at things from a different perspective? what if i just did not care? because at the end of the day, no one actually cares and it's every man for himself. it's either my words will live forever, lost on the internet or it stays in my mind for the rest of life and follows me to the grave.
in the end, it doesn't matter. it just doesn't.